Because I grew up in a Christian home, God has always been part of who I am and how I lived. However, my view of God has completely shifted, bringing me to a place of much joy, peace and rest.
Beginnings of Change
Around 2002, I was invited to be part of a church book club led by the pastor. The books he selected for us to read and discuss opened up new insights. I began to gain understanding of why I believed what I believed. My faith began to have substance and become mine. Although I knew God and loved Him, there was a lot I didn’t understand and couldn’t explain. So back then, don’t ask me to share my faith, cause God knew I couldn’t explain it! I just knew I believed! In spite of being an avid reader growing up, I had no desire to read “spiritual books” because I thought they were just so boring – ugh! However, God used this pastor to help me see them in a new light. Surprisingly, I began devouring them and this started my personal journey into understanding faith. There were many cracks in my foundation even though I believed in God and had a personal relationship with Him.
Wrong View of God
Often I felt like a yo-yo – soaring high and hopeful, then plunging down into the depths of disappointment. Hope would be restored only to come crashing down again. I also waffled between liking myself and then not liking myself. The lies and deceptions that plagued my mind and life became strongholds and were the root of the yo-yo life. Things happened that became defining moments and painted a tainted view of God. Walls were built up around my heart because of wrong patterns of believing. My picture of God had become distorted.
When times of disappointment came and I thought He failed me, I see now that I was judging His character wrong. At one point in my life, I told a friend, “yes the Bible says ‘hope does not disappoint’ but it does”. This distorted view showcased my wrong thinking – that I really didn’t know God.
The Heart
I am learning all of this comes down to one thing, the issues of my heart. When honesty (with myself) and truth (God’s truth) intersect transformation begins to happen.
Trying to change means having to exert effort and will power but transformation is not about change but an issue of the heart. It is facing what I have wrongly believed, then changing my heart beliefs to see God in His goodness and love.
This is a bit of my journey, seeing that I have the choice to believe and accept His truth over my thoughts, feelings and emotions, I am learning to step into transformation beginning with the heart.